An October Mood

I see indigo and sapphire and wisdom in you
I feel scorpio and wildfires that brighten my youth
Hear echoes of empires from skies that we knew
I lose sorrows I'm inspired with you

BLU by Leeuw 

Three things I learnt about storytelling from Liyana

The 2017 Durban International Film Festival played host to the South African première of Liyana, a hybrid documentary animation chronicling the experiences of a group of orphans in Swaziland. Watching this masterpiece and talking to its creators taught me a thing or two about storytelling.

How you tell a story defines you as the storyteller

It tells us about who you are and your values. Liyana is beautiful to look at and listen to. From the gentle sunlight shimmering on the surface of a river and water glistening on the bodies of children as they emerge from it, to the hauntingly beautiful voice that mourns the tragedies and hardships that these babies endure. Liyana is authentic. The animation by Shofela Coker is bold, vibrant and detailed.  Ihiya looks like ihiya that my Swati friend wore on the day of her wedding. Uthuli on Liyana’s skin looks like uthuli on my skin after I spend a day in the villages of Digkale in South Africa or Tokwana in Zimbabwe. The detail on a chitenge at Liyana’s grandmother’s house… I could go on. Details are important and in being attentive to detail, this film demonstrates a rigor that is incredibly respectful of its subjects and audience. As an African in a world that fetishizes our suffering and paints us with a single brush, the way the story is told makes me feel respected, seen and heard. I believe that the way that the makers of Liyana tell her story shows that they are deeply empathic towards these amazing children and from talking to them I know that they consider themselves fortunate to have had the opportunity to help bring this story to the world.

Who tells a story is as important as the story

It would have been easy to simply follow the children around with cameras as they lived their day-to-day lives and then just narrate a voice over that domineers over the story like so many other documentaries we’ve seen. But Aaron and Amanda Kopp didn’t do that. They chose a more resource-intensive process of work-shopping with the children and letting the real story, Liyana emerge organically. The makers chose to be facilitators and enablers, letting the children drive the narrative. With the consummate storyteller Gcina Mhlope holding their hands like a doula would a woman in labour, the children birthed Liyana in a realm of its own. The film makers recognize that these children have the right to be involved in matters concerning them and that they are capable of voicing their own experiences. “We didn’t want to exploit them,” they tell me earnestly and with that I know that this film is the result of a pure intention to create and share some magic with the children. A story about young people, by young people, Liyana is the child of the children whose life experiences informed her journey.

The important thing is to tell the story!

The children featured in Liyana are teens now as the film was eight years in the making. During the screening there is a moment when, eyes brimming with tears, I looked behind me to gauge the reaction of the rest of the audience. Seeing the looks on their faces as they watched their younger selves on the big screen gave me life! It was a combination of joy, pride and awe. This is their story and now the world gets to be a part of it. Amazing!

Liyana is doing the rounds at film festivals globally and I will be throwing my heart and soul into supporting the team to get it shown on as many screens in communities that don’t see themselves portrayed so beautifully as we possibly can.

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Bubbly and Graffiti in Spain

I had only two non-negotiable goals: to drink copious quantities of sparkling wine and to keep my eyes peeled for interesting street art. The rest was up to chance and circumstance. I got lost a lot. And I drank a lot of cava. While of course I prefer to drink my bubbles in a long stemmed crystal champagne flute, sometimes you need to multi-task. What's a girl to do when there are sights to be seen and cava to be drunk? She hits up a wine shop, buys a bottle or two, decants the contents into a flask and becomes no different from your local wino wandering the streets aimlessly with a camera in hand. That's what I did and that's all I'm saying about it. So here is a small sample the pictorial results of my happy, tipsy, whimsical adventures drinking the stars in Madrid and Barcelona.

And my first prize goes to...

3 x 3

I love music. I love cinema. Here are my top three films about music in three words.

⏯  Whiplash
Purpose Discipline Tenacity
P.S: Watch the video to the end. It's totally worth it.

⏯  Begin Again
Freedom Creativity Authenticity

⏯  Beats of the Antonov
Conflict Resilience Acoustic

What's In A Name? Ukwanda and the inexorable joy of being Si-andisile

I used to hate my name. Because my mind was colonised by the delusion that to be white was a norm to which I should have been aspiring. This delusion was fed by My Little Pony and Friends and Punkie Brewster and Clueless (yes, I am a 90s kid) as well a slew of insidious mental imperialists ranging from literature (whaddup Famous Five, Pollyanna and Little House on the Prairie) to pop culture (wha-hey Kylie Minogue, Vanessa Carlton and S Club 7) that made white culture, experience and life normative for me even though it was completely foreign. So I hated my name. I wished that it was shorter and/or anglophone, like Michelle, Sasha, Megan or Charmaine - actual names I wished were mine at some juncture. It wasn't just white names, though, any name that could easily lend itself to being anglicized or was short, snappy and easy for white people to pronounce would have sufficed.

But my mom loves Sandisile. Lord bless her "uncolonizable", indomitable spirit, the lady picked a name for me on October 17th, 33 years ago and stuck to her guns. She says it in full with a quiet pride, Sun-di-SEE-leh. Or in short, Sandi, with a high inflection on the last syllable: Sun-DEE, like it's a cool, complicated question she is asking to which she already knows the answer. And the answer is a confident declaration of everything being more thank ok, of all our needs being met and then some. The answer lies in the root of the name which is the Nguni word ukwanda.

Ukwanda: Increase, expansion, growth, accumulation. - Google Translate.

Ukwanda is a Xhosa word and the meaning can be translated as: “to grow” and “develop” within the community; to make a positive difference. - Stellenbosch University


My name means "we have created abundance," and if whoever came up with the Stellenbosch definition is worth his or her salt, then it also means we have made a positive difference. I love it. It's a good name to live up to. It's not without its pitfalls, though, as there is a thin line between abundance, which is beautiful and self-affirming and excess, which is destructive. A part of the journey of a Sandisile is learning how to strike that very fine balance and live a life in which she treads lightly so as not destroy (herself and whatever she comes in contact with - or whomever...) and a life in which she gives and receives with abundant joy and gratitude. This is not a bad life quest and I have been happily conducting this exciting experiment in-vivo with some very interesting results. I'm bringing people together, strangers and long lost friends alike. I'm creating access to opportunity for people who don't have a lot of bridging social capital. I'm manifesting beautiful learning and growth opportunities for myself as I simply live out the inexorable joy of being one whose mission is to make the circle beeger when it comes to good things for good people. Aweh ma-se-kind!

Because everything is ok and there is more than enough of everything you have ever needed.

Four Quiet Queens: a hat tip

queen
kwiːn/

a woman or thing regarded as the finest or most outstanding in a particular sphere or group.

This is just a quick hat tip to a few amazing friends who are outstanding humans. These people are the real deal. Quietly brilliant but boy do they dazzle!

Hats off to the unicorn whose hair looks like a rainbow and would put a mermaid to shame. As any mermaid should, she is swimming across Lake Malawi this weekend to raise funds for a couple of organisations that do good things for good people. She doesn't look like a typical athlete but her body, like her mind, is ridiculously strong. Like, unfairly powerful. Of course, she's not immune to the goosebumps that come with any challenging endeavour. "I've overshot," she panicked to me a week or two ago. Total overshoot, but what's the point of life if you don't do amazing things that scare the crap out of you every once in a while? What is the actual point? I don't know. I really have no idea because that's not how I roll. I am constantly biting off more than I can chew and I'd like to believe my life is better for it. May we always overshoot and surprise ourselves in so doing!

Hats off to the titan who is a sexual and reproductive health facilitator for young people, a single mother of two conscious, thoughtful children while studying for a masters degree, and who happens to be writing three books like, right now. One of her books is a science fiction novel set in Africa and I am jumping up and down in excitement. Yes, please and thank you! I cannot wait to read a book of the sci fi variety about Africa by an African and the fact that she's a boss lady of a gyal dem is just the cherry on the cake. One of her other books is a joint project with yours truly. She keeps me in check, questions and challenges me and forces me to read things that make me angry but that after a bit of simmering, help me to clarify my own voice, even if it is in disagreement to her ideas. A complete powerhouse of a woman who exudes a quiet, sensual, intellectual and slightly irreverent energy, she is the epitome of still waters running deep and frankly speaking I am scared for and sympathetic toward anyone who doesn't know her and is foolhardy enough to underestimate her.  

Hats off to the dreamer who is truly inspiring in her ability to believe and expect only the best. Her husband has received a devastating diagnosis of brain damage and the company she works for is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. She supports multiple family members financially and her life is punctuated by daily visits to the hospital, sometimes twice a day. She never knows on any given day whether the person she loves will even recognise her face. But you should see her and you should hear her talk. Grace is the only word that fits. She dreams hard; she dreams in colour; she dreams in velvet textured feelings. She dreams so hard she can can smell her future and run her fingertips along its smooth edges. I get off the phone with her feeling inspired to take a little time to dream a little better. It's a skill I have been in desperate need of developing since somewhere along the line external circumstances led me to expect the worst in life. I am working on it and I can't even begin to describe how important my dream guru has been in not only reminding me to do it but in coaching me how to dream a compelling dream.

Then there's the stunner in Harare who is an attorney specialising in family law, who no matter how scorching hot and dusty the day, always looks like a tall glass of water, cool as you please. Easily and by far one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen in my life, she decided that actually she would like to be a plus-size model now. Thanks. And also, since she has a heart of gold, she figured in addition to practising family law, being a model and volunteering at church, why not start an NGO that addresses the needs of women and girls who are at risk of or have been victims of human trafficking. She's the most humble and unassuming human being you could imagine as she makes the world a little safer for women and girls, stands tall as a testament to the transcendent beauty of good people and unwittingly leaves a trail of shattered male hearts behind her as she simply does her thing.

I chose to celebrate these queens because they aren't your obvious game changers. On the surface they don't present as the ones to beat. These are people you can only appreciate if you silence all your noise, set aside your preconceptions, sit down, watch and listen. They are glorious! But no-one is paying attention. They're not getting accolades, aren't rolling with the cool kids, getting retweets or follows and actually wouldn't be as awesome to me if they were. I can't wait for the world to one day behold these dark horses in the splendour I already see!

Happiness and the ripple effect of purpose-driven living

This is the best video I have seen this year. Very much on theme with my life and truly resonating with the space I am in physically, socially and internally. I love it!

When you act on your God-given, in-built nature and talent, the weirdest things happen. People show up that are excited by you, who buy-in to you and your dreams and inspire you to follow your own North Star. Even more astoundingly and far more rewardingly, your presence makes other people's lives better! When I wasn't doing what I loved I was miserable and sure of only one thing: that I did not sign up for this version of life. When I started pursuing only that which I loved my life suddenly felt meaningful and every day became one in which I had fun and relished every moment. Even the tough times are great and valuable. Even the scut work is fun and meaningful. Even the unfamiliar spaces and unknown territory feel like home - they feel right! Strangers have embraced me warmly. My literary heroine said she was honoured to be approached by me and offered to review my writing. What a time to be alive! Somehow, by doing what I love, I am helping people, showing them that they have value and bearing witness to their struggles and triumphs. I get to listen to people whose stories blow my mind and I have the honour of telling those stories to the rest of the world and somehow, just this simple state of feeling heard leads to profound healing in people. Everyone just wants to be heard, to be acknowledged and to be told that it is okay, it will be okay and they are not alone.

I know now that the real me is unrivalled. I know that only I can know what God put inside me and the part of Himself that He seeks to express through me. Only I know the dream He had when He conceptualised me and then created me. I am now only answerable to a quiet voice inside me that is connected to eternity, that knows and has always known what I was put on this Earth to do. It's so empowering that I can't even deal with how powerful I am right now as I send out warm ripples of love and open up to receiving the same during the brief speck of time I have been granted on Earth. This is true happiness. Hazzar!

Dear Shikulu - Tamara Kaunda Pens a Letter to Her Grandfather

Dr Kenneth David Kaunda is the founding father of the country we know today as the Republic of Zambia. A true African statesman, he not only played a pivotal role in the liberation struggle of Zambia but was instrumental in securing freedom for other African countries. I reached out to Tamara Kaunda, who is one of Dr Kaunda’s grandchildren, and she wrote this letter paying homage to the great African man we all love and admire. 


Letter to my Grandfather,

               By Tamara Kaunda

Dear Shikulu,

I remember how when I was growing up I used to walk ten kilometres from your farm to school every day and my school mates would wonder why you didn’t just buy a car for me to be dropped off and picked up from school. Even at that age I understood the significance of humble beginnings and I would tell them that it was my duty to work from scratch and make use of what I had to get to where I wanted to be. The fact that you fought for the freedom that I enjoy in Zambia is more than enough for me.  Back then, you had just come out of power and many people had negative perceptions about you. I felt it was my duty to not only stand up for you and remind people of the great things you had done but as part of the first family I knew that how I behaved was a reflection on the whole family.

Thank you for building this beautiful land which we shall continue building and forever treasure in our hearts. My hope is that as Zambians we will continue to love one another and be the change we want to see in our country rather than complaining about our challenges. I think that each generation faces its own set of trials. Today in Zambia we have economic challenges and I would like to encourage our people to seek solutions to our problems in the same way that you and the men and women who fought for our independence chose to seek solutions to our lack of freedom.

I believe that if every single one of us took it as a personal responsibility, together we could continue building what our forefathers built for us. When I went to study in China you were tremendously happy and encouraged me learn how the Chinese worked and bring those lessons back to our land. Having learnt from their incredible work ethic and just graduated from medical school I am excited about my plans for serving my country, particularly women and children.

If any of my fellow countrymen cast their eyes on this letter, I ask them to remember you, to focus on building skills for self-reliance, to teach their children to fish and not wait to be spoon-fed and to be future oriented and not short-sighted. We can build a Zambia that we all love, a Zambia that prospers, the Zambia of our dreams. I know that this is the dream that you have for us and I hope we can bring it to fruition in your lifetime.

With all my love,

Tamara

Tamara Kaunda pictured above with her grandfather, Dr Kenneth Kaunda, "Whenever I am with him there are no dull moments because we are a pair that loves life and people." 
Photo Courtesy of Tamara Kaunda.

Tamara shared a few extra nuggets about her beloved grandfather.

1. How he inspires her

What inspires me most about him is the love he has for his country. He managed to unite 72 tribes and we have lived in harmony for the past 50 years. He did everything in his power to unite us and he taught us that regardless of which part of the country you come from we are all Zambians. The one thing I admire most about him is his love for the land. He believes in agriculture, and as a part of the family I was taught farming at a very tender age and that has helped me even now. My grandfather believes that if we could all go back to the land and make use of it we would have an economically stable and happy Zambia.

2. What he has taught her

One of the greatest ways in which he has impacted me is through his belief in hard work, talking less and doing more actions. He believes if you want to make an impact on a community, your country and the world at large do not just talk; do it and your work will speak for itself.

3. What he loves about her

I always looked for forward to having him for Christmas at the farm and I would be excited because I wanted to tell him all about what I had done at school. Trust me, he liked me because my school reports have always been outstanding! My grandfather is fond of imitating me whenever I speak because my voice is a bit sharp and am usually smiling and full of energy when I express myself. 



Thinking about a nation’s founding father

Dr Kaunda served as the president of Zambia for 27 years and his acquiescence to relinquishing power in 1991 after losing the election was an act of magnanimity not many African rulers have been able to practice. It laid the foundation for the robust multi-party democracy that Zambia currently enjoys. Dr Kaunda has shown himself to be a compassionate and affable patriarch whose dream for his nation is that of an abundance of love above all else. He has been up front and centre of Zambia’s and Africa’s response to the HIV and AIDS pandemic as a member of the Champions for an AIDS-free Generation in Africa. Dr Kaunda is a prolific writer, penning several books over the course of a lifetime. One of his books,  “Letter to my children,” is a heartfelt attempt to reach out to his children and impart the fatherly words of wisdom and instruction they may have personally missed out on as a result of having had to share their dad with millions of other Zambians.  By now, Dr Kaunda is not just a father but a grandfather too and is as iconic a father figure to his grandchildren as he is to the nation.

In Conversation: Boniface Mwangi

Boniface Mwangi is a man on a mission. He is the founder of Pawa254, an organization based in Nairobi, Kenya that serves as a platform for creatives, journalists and activists to collaborate on innovative social change initiatives. As a professional photographer his coverage of the 2007 post-election violence which he documented in Kenya’s first ever nation-wide street exhibition brought to light the sheer magnitude of the brutality of which many people were unaware. A courageous and passionate social activist, Boniface has been arrested, detained and assaulted for his unflinching refusal to remain silent in the face of injustice and corruption, receiving many international accolades in recognition of his gritty photo-journalistic accomplishments.

Boniface faces off with police at Langa'ata Primary School Protests. Photo credit: Boniface Mwangi 2015

Boniface was at the front line of the Langa’ta Road Primary School incident in January 2015 in which the Kenyan police force teargas to disperse a demonstration by one hundred primary school children protesting the illegal seizure of their playground by a property developer. There was widespread shock and condemnation of the excessively heavy handed response of the police. However, the incident sparked fervent debate on social media with Kenyans divided over the legitimacy of the protest and some opinions assigning blame to activists like Boniface who supported the protest while others supported the children in reclaiming their space. Below are a few of Boniface's images of the protests that rocked Langa'ata and made news headlines internationally.

Photo Credit: Boniface Mwangi 2015

Photo Credit: Boniface Mwangi 2015

Photo credit: Boniface Mwangi 2015

What is the purpose of your life?

I live my life to make a difference. I’m not out there for my own selfish gain. The idea of leaving something larger than me is a conscious and deliberate effort. I would like my life to have a meaning and impact others. Being given a platform, people listen to me, they care about my opinions. So, do my words build or destroy? Do I speak truth to power? So for instance I am currently working on a blog post that is critical of our president Uhuru Kenyatta. It’s important that I say what no one else is willing to say….What I ask myself every single day is to what end am I doing what I am doing?

And the end that you work towards is a better Kenya?

My work goes beyond borders. My messaging covers global issues and I work towards a better Kenya, a better continent, a better humanity because our lives are connected. I think your impact should go beyond borders. Mandela lived in one country but his impact was felt everywhere. The same applies for people like Steve Biko, Mahatma Gandhi, Thomas Sankara, Martin Luther King Jr and others. The majority of them lived in one country but their work went beyond borders.

You’ve chosen art and your photojournalism as an instrument to agitate for change. Is art an effective way to engage with society on issues which are important but difficult to grapple with and can it result in political change?

Every country has a piece of art that defines the nation’s psyche and identity. The national anthem is a musical piece of art. Music was a big weapon of the civil rights movement with people like Harry Belafonte, Miriam Makeba, Hugh Masekela and then Bob Marley later on. Music is a tool for fighting oppression. When you do a placard that is a form of art. It says things, it speaks truth to power. Writing is a tool. Life is all about art. Without art life is dead. Without art you have nothing. Art is the most powerful tool against oppression.

What would you say is your greatest achievement to date?

Langa’ta Road Primary school. They grabbed the land and we got it back. That is my proudest achievement. Also a girl called Samara who is about seven or eight years old now who was born with a hole in her heart but her parents were not able to pay for the operation. I took a photo of her and the image was published. A good Samaritan paid for her surgery and now she’s living a very normal and beautiful life because of my work. So I’ve been able to impact people through photography. My work has done wonders and that is the power of art.

In many African countries people have been threatened, killed, attacked or tortured for standing up for what they believe in and there is so much repression that civil activism is basically non-existent. Would you agree that Kenya has a comparatively more conducive environment for holding the government accountable perhaps as a result of the early grassroots work that people such as yourself did over the years to push for freedom of expression?

I believe so. We passed a new constitution in 2010. It’s one of the continent’s most progressive constitutions next to South Africa’s. However the gains were made through the constitution are being taken back by Uhuru Kenyatta. We know that we are free and I can say whatever I want. You can say things today that are very truthful that would have gotten you killed twenty years ago. But this is being taken back because our society is being taught to be intolerant through the use of verbal oppression, hate speech and personal insults by followers of the president or whoever you are going after when you speak the truth. They muddy the waters; they wage war against integrity and attack people’s characters as opposed to ideas. For example, if you talk about corruption in government, they in turn shift the focus to attack your reputation and why you are saying these things. Social media while it has helped us to talk about corruption and allowed us to talk about things has also trivialized a lot of issues. The things that should be trending are being taken as a joke but it’s not funny anymore. We need to stop laughing about our problems. Resiliency is something that we are proud of and we wear it like a badge of honor and make jokes about how resilient we are yet we know that we pay taxes and we should be living a good life. We make jokes about these things because we are afraid, so we cover our fear with humor and triviality because we are afraid of taking action. People have disappeared, people have been arrested. We are afraid because there is a price to pay…It’s not easy.

So Fathers' Day is coming up. As a father, what is one life lesson or value you want to make sure your children grow up knowing?

Love. Love conquers fear. Love conquers everything. It’s the shock absorber of life. When you love it absorbs fear and hate. When you love you take a stand, you protect yourself and you are responsible. People say I am courageous and that’s true. I have courage but what actually drives me is love for my country. I love my country. I love my continent. I love myself and I want better for myself. I am love motivated and I want my kids to have love in their hearts. Love. Love. Love!

Since the Langa’ta Road Primary School incident, Kenya’s National Land Commission has launched guidelines for schools to apply for title deeds which will enable them to have legal recourse in the event of any unlawful occupation of their land.  While Boniface is guarded about the details of his future plans he is unequivocal in his certainty that he will continue to serve people in whatever capacity and in whatever space he can do so. 

My Commitments - or - Good Things Are Happening

commitment

kəˈmɪtm(ə)nt/ 

noun

1.

the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

o   a pledge or undertaking.

2.

an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action

I am committed to completing my master’s degree in public health, in which I have specialised in social and behaviour change communication. I put it on my to-do list sixteen years ago and I am not prepared to deny an inspired sixteen-year-old girl with a head full of stars her dream of having the knowledge and skills to tackle the vast array of challenges that are the field of human health and disease. My journey to this master’s has been one filled with many false starts and near hits. There was a time when I thought it would never happen because of the circumstances in which I found myself. Then once my financial and temporal resources aligned with my geographical constraints I finally got going on a kick-ass programme at a decent institution. Unfortunately a new battle began that required perseverance and self-discipline, two character traits in which I suffer more than occasional weakness. It’s been tough! I’ve had to make sacrifices to key elements of my lifestyle just to get through my coursework. Reading for pleasure for instance. Many a time I would walk past my favorite book store and gaze longingly at the books. Oh, those books, so many books calling my name seductively! Then as I would turn my eyes to an article about risk factors for pre-eclampsia or the challenges of diagnosing paediatric malaria in Tanzania a solitary tear would make its way down my cheek… sigh. Travel. That was another one to go out the window for two years of my life. I’ve had no time and no money to carry my head somewhere new and interesting, unless discovering a new place to study on campus counts, though I feel like it doesn’t. Travel is like an intravenous drip of life into my bloodstream and I had none of it for two years. Social engagements. I even pre-programmed a response into my phone to save myself the time and effort of blowing off invitations to cool things I would ordinarily have enjoyed attending or doing. “Ah maaaaan! No can do’s ville. Busy with school :-(” To which one friend responded, "how utterly and completely selfish of you to pursue higher education! Now who am I going to play with? Nah girl, do better." It's funny because she has a master's in law, is an advocate and her name literally means 'study diligently'. So now with the coursework done and dusted, as I write up my thesis and the finish line is in sight I should be full of hope and energy, right? Wrong! If you have thick hair and you’ve ever braided your hair then you’ll know what I’m going through. It’s like that last little patch of hair at the top of your head that covers an eighth of the surface area of your head so you think you’ll be done in a few minutes but an hour later your hairstylist is still adding braids and you basically want to cry. You're a grown ass woman and you just want to throw your toys and cry. There’s just so much packed into this one endeavor that I am both afraid of it and angry at it. I’m so over it! But I am also romancing it. Coaxing it. Drawing it out of me the way you call an timid animal out of a cave, with a trail of berries and a gentle voice: “Here boy! Come on! Come to Sandi!” I’m not giving up on this bad boy no matter what.

I am committed to finishing the most epic writing project of my life. Writing project? How vague. It’s a book. I’m writing a book. And it’s a damn good one too- a tour de force. At this point I would like to congratulate myself on my powers of self-motivation. Because what’s worse than the thesis? The book. The book is harder. By far. The book is a cruel mistress and lover because creativity and ideas don’t play around. They are needy little spirits that require constant attention and maintenance or they will leave you! It’s happened to me several times on this journey. I’ve dropped the ball, lost focus and often times just been too lazy to write; and I have been gravely punished for it. Amazing ideas won’t sit around waiting for you to bring them to life forever. They will readily leave you and go to someone more committed, more energetic and more diligent than you are. A good idea will basically go to whoever is hungriest to bring it to life. While it would be easy and certainly not completely inaccurate to say I haven’t been hungry enough to commit wholly to my book, the big truth is that I have also suffered from a debilitating fear of failure. But fear is not my jam anymore and I am committed to go balls to the wall with my passion project because anything else feels like failure already since it is a complete deviation from my dream.

I am committed to Roxy, a blonde bombshell of a model who can dead lift a hundred and forty-five kilos and barely break a sweat. She is sexy and curvy and hella strong. Roxy is my trainer. Thanks to her weird things are happening to my body. I’m getting bigger – gasp! And heavier – oh no! And stronger – whaaaat? I am doing things like lifting weights I never thought I would and it’s totally not a thing. It’s fine. There’s muscle definition peeping through the flubber. Energy levels are increasing. My body is exhibiting preferences for certain types of fuel and certain types of motion I wouldn't pegged it for - hmmm. My naturally very dry and flaky skin is supple and dewy – huh? This is new territory for me and I am committed to giving Roxy the space she needs to coach my body into a fit vessel for my offspring and a suitable host for my soul to express itself with no inhibitions. I am committed to submitting to this fascinating process and just watching things evolve in and around me, from how I feel to how people look at me, as they also perceive these subtle changes. I had big expectations when I hired her. Now I realize that they were misplaced. It’s all on me, actually, but it’s fine because I’ve totally got this. All you need to do is show up. And say yes to everything. Five more bench presses when my muscles are en fuego? Sure! Ninety more seconds of planking as I stare at the growing pool of sweat on the mat because my damn head is sweating? Why not?! Increase the incline and the speed on the treadmill even though one of the first things I told you was that running is my nemesis? Love it! Tell you what else I love, though: walking past a mirror and thinking, “Ooooh yeeeeahhh. I do not dislike what I see!”

Three commitments, all of which involve not a small amount of blood, sweat and tears. This means at any given moment in time I am bloody, sweaty and/or teary. It looks messy from the outside looking in, I’m sure. It looks like not much is happening, probably. It looks boring and unenviable, maybe. But don’t worry about it because I assure you that good tings a gwan:-)